I Believe Comprehensive Sex Ed Would Have Prevented My Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Here's How..

Sex Ed class is about so much more than working to prevent STIs and unintended pregnancies. Or at least it should be about more than that… If you are among the lucky ones, you may have received some information about birth control methods beyond condoms or abstinence, and maybe even a chance to put in anonymous questions at the end of class for your teacher to answer, in an honest way- hopefully.

I got none of this. I received abstinence-only education as my sex ed, and boy did that lead to some problems. Problems that I thought most certainly had to be unique to me and my life, but as I grew up I came to realize there were so many other people who had faced similar problems due to their lack of sex education. Problems like unhealthy or abusive relationships, sexual assault, depression and much more.

The thing about comprehensive sex education is, yes it talks about STIs and unintended pregnancy prevention, but it also tends to talk about consent, setting boundaries, ways to communicate your boundaries, identifying the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and even the warning signs that a relationship is or could become abusive. All these things work to prevent dating violence, abuse, sexual assault and even depression. A deeper level to all of this is talking about sexual orientation and gender identity as well. Also identifying gender stereotypes, which ties into that topic, can lead to violence in relationships. Nobody talks about or even realizes how the gender stereotypes that society has come up with, often are the main culprit in dating violence.

Let’s take this very real example from my own past relationship into consideration. I was in a heterosexual relationship, which is where gender stereotypes thrive might I add, and one day I can’t remember how the conversation got started but it turned into a conversation about who “wears the pants in the relationship”. I am joking said I assumed I did, but my argument only came from a sense that I made most decisions in the relationship when it came to meals for supper and date night activities. My sarcastic statement was met with a very serious face telling me that “he was superior and I was inferior”. I chuckled at this because I could only imagine that he was being sarcastic now too, but no matter how many times I asked if he was only joking, the answer remained the same, “I am superior.” He never wavered and to this day I still don’t know if he truly thought that or not.

Seeing it typed out in front of me, I can see now how obvious of a red flag that interaction was, and how he must have really felt the need to fit his gender stereotype that men are dominant and women are to be submissive.

But at the time of interaction, I found myself questioning if I was viewed as his equal, the way a healthy relationship should be. With that, I also find myself wondering if other couples even realize that a relationship should be viewed as equal and that no one person in the relationship is superior, no matter if one person makes more money or cooks more meals, or takes better care of the kids. To maintain a healthy relationship, it must be viewed as an equal partnership. I only realized this after I began my work as a sex educator though, who knows if I ever would have made it out of that relationship with this knowledge?

There are so many other examples I could pull from this relationship to show how truly unhealthy it was. From the belittling tone of voice used to talk to me, the constant comments about my bodily imperfections, the name callings, using my worst fears against me t win arguments, the objects that would be thrown or broken during these disagreements and so much more. All of these actions I chose to write off. I told myself that relationships take work and can be hard, that I just need to put in the effort to make it work because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. So much of what I thought a relationship was supposed to be like came from social media, TV, and my own parent’s relationship at home. I had no idea that all of these sources were pure examples of what a healthy relationship should look like. Without the knowledge, I received becoming a sexual health educator, I would never have been able to identify the unhealthy relationship I was in and the warning signs of abuse that I faced weekly.

I ended that relationship with a clearer idea of what I wanted my next relationship to be and look like. I now know that in a healthy relationship, there’s honest and open communication, where both people listen to the other and hear out what they have to say. There’s no one telling you they don’t care about what you have to say or tell you that your opinion doesn’t matter. I learned from sex education that in a healthy relationship, you are a team, equals, and no one is above the other getting to boss them around. I also learned that frequently arguing or throwing/breaking things during an argument is a warning sign of abuse. I often wonder what may have happened in the relationship if I had allowed it to continue. I found myself frustrated that I didn’t have the information sooner. I felt like if I had learned about all of this in middle school or high school, it would have saved me from all the emotional and mental abuse that I went through in the relationship. I desperately wanted to go back in time and find a younger me and teach her everything that I had learned. But I can’t do that. All I can do now is try my best to educate teens about healthy relationships in hopes that others don’t have relatable experiences.

A final note, I want to add is I also came to recognize my own imperfections in this relationship. I acted, at times, in ways that I am not proud of. I think with the proper education I could have learned how to better treat my partner and how to better react in certain situations. Teens and young adults are expected to learn and figure out relationships all on their own life experience but why not give them a head start in figuring it out and talk to them at a young age about consent, boundaries, bodily autonomy, kind words and what a healthy relationship should be like. Thank you~Greta.