Forget the Talk – It’s An Ongoing Conversation!
By Gail Cowan, Director of Development
I’m trying to figure out who first came up with the idea that we should handle the education of our kids around sex and relationships through one conversation (“The Talk”) at some point between the ages of 12 and 16.
If I were less lazy, I suppose I could spend some time on Google to figure this out. But I’m not, so I’ll just say that, with all due respect to the inventor of The Talk, it was a horrible idea.
Consider what would happen if we applied The Talk to other information we’d like to impart to our children. Such as car maintenance.
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Parent [nervously introduces topic]: So, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Teen [to self]: Uh oh.
Adult: Your mom and I were talking, and you know, you’re getting to the age where you can drive, so we thought it might be a good idea to [clears throat], you know, have a conversation about it.
Teen [still talking to self]: Please make it stop. Why do they have to be so AWKWARD about everything? It’s a car. Everyone at school already knows about cars. We’ve been talking about them for years. Why don’t they understand this?
Adult: So, um, we wanted to say that, someday you’re going to have to drive on your own, but you know, for now, we just really think you should avoid driving. [Avoids eye contact, clears throat again]. But you know, if you do, just whatever you do, DO NOT GET IN AN ACCIDENT.
Teen:
Adult: Ok?
Teen [backing out of room]: Okay.
Adult: Alright. Good talk.
Teen [mumbles something and escapes].
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Such a scenario is fairly ridiculous, yes? And while I understand that cars and sex are two different things, as parents and caregivers, we seem to too often lose the basics of common sense and information sharing when it comes to sex. Because, well, it’s sex.
And I get it, it’s a big topic.
One of the things that has helped me to deal with such a big topic is to think about breaking it down into education that spans many years – little moments that are easier to digest but set the stage for more open and honest conversation about sexual health and relationships.
You know, just as you do with cars.
For example, my 7-year-old recently asked me the difference between the gas pedal and the brake pedal. I did not immediately flush and stammer and try to change the subject. I simply answered the question.
We can learn to do the same for questions that all children inevitably have about bodies when they are younger. Or where babies come from.
We can learn to answer questions about male anatomy and female anatomy. To use words like penis and vagina and vulva and anus.
Because these are parts of our bodies. Of their bodies. Of the world.
And most importantly, when we can learn to create safe spaces for their smaller questions, we automatically start building a solid foundation for the larger questions to come. Which can make all the difference as our children grow.
Coming next: More tools for building this foundation with children, plus how to create safe spaces with older children if you fear you are getting a late start (hint: it’s never too late!).